Brunei has sparked global controversy with the punishing of gay anal sex by stoning to death.
Wait, where? Brunei, isn’t that in the Middle East? No you’re thinking of Bahrain. Brunei is that tiny little country which measures just 5,765 km² roughly a THIRD of the size of Yorkshire. And with a population of just 400,000 people.
Hang on, how did that become a country then? Well the British discovered oil there and decided to carve out a little nation and call it Brunei, then put a Sultan in place whom they could control.
Britain and Brunei are cosy partners? Exactly. The British gave him two honorary appointments awarded by the Queen: he is an air chief marshal in the RAF and an admiral of the Royal Navy. Plus he owns a whole fleet of 5 star hotels in London.
What’s this new law then? Stoning for those men caught having anal sex with other men in front of two witnesses.
That sounds a bit far fetched. How would two witnesses possibly see two men having anal sex? They wouldn’t. The point is that it’s a deterrent.
So this is shariah law? Not exactly. It is one of those laws that wasn’t really implemented.
So Brunei rules by Islamic law then? No, nothing could be further from the truth. Brunei rules by English Common Law.
But the media has been calling Brunei a country governed by shariah law? Do you even know what shariah law is?
Isn’t it cutting off hands for theft and stoning adulterers? Oh dear, you haven’t read many books on shariah law have you? Ok let’s start with the basics. Let’s take “al-Muwatta”, the earliest book of Islamic law. One third of the book covers worship, i.e. how to worship God, and the other two thirds concerns “muamalat”, namely the transactions between people and in particular business transactions.
What about stoning and cutting hands? You won’t really find that stuff in books on shariah. You’ll find a lot on business rulings though.
So Brunei practices all these Islamic rules then? No, not all. Well actually none at all.
None at all? Zero. Nil. A big fat 0.
So how is it an Islamic country if it doesn’t implement shariah law? It isn’t an Islamic country. None of them are.
But the media says they are! And they’re going crazy over this Brunei story! Everyone loves a good story, especially if it involves anal sex.
But George Clooney is making a big fuss over it, what’s his problem? He wants everyone to have “sexual freedom”, an idea that everyone should have the freedom to do what they want with their own body.
So Brunei has stopped men inserting their penis in another man’s anus? No, they just don’t want you to do it publicly in front of others.
Sounds reasonable to me! But that’s not enough. Clooney and Elton John believe men should have the right to have anal sex IN FRONT OF other people.
Er, what are they, some kind of perverts?? It’s a new fangled thing called “sexual freedom”.
So if I want to have sex with a horse, I have that right too? No that’s not allowed.
So if I want to have sex with my Nespresso machine, that’s allowed? I think you’re playing with me.
Hey, but you said sexual freedom! Only the things which the celebrities say is ok. They decide.
So these new laws are subject to everyone in Brunei? No, only Muslims are subject to shariah law.
So George Clooney has become a defender of Muslims now? No, he just wants men to have the right to publicly have anal sex with other men.
The Sultan is a Muslim, so he’s subject the laws too presumably? Actually, he’s not. Him and his family aren’t subject to the new laws.
But aren’t they Muslim? They are. But he decided that he wouldn’t be subject to them.
Why not? Isn’t shariah law for all Muslims? Presumably he is either planning having anal sex with another man in public, or he feels he is above the laws of God. I’m guessing the latter.
Doesn’t that make him a hypocrite? Indeed.
Sounds to me that the Sultan and George Clooney are just as stupid as each other. I think you’re right.